Breaking point…

There comes a point in everyone’s life where they can no longer be strong, or weak – it depends on the way you look at it i suppose…

For me that was tonight and i was both at the same time…

I no longer want to be strong for anyone else or be weak in myself, i just want to be and all i want to be is me. I am done trying: to fit the mold, to be accepted, to be what other people think i should be, to conforming to “the” rules. I am me and this is me and if you don’t accept this or approve of who i am then there is no space, for you, in my life.

Tonight i have realized that the only people i need in my life are the ones who accept me for who i am and what i stand for, and if those people are few and far between i would gladly take that over the forced interactions i have to deal with on a daily basis.

What matters in life are the people who would drop anything for you at the drop of a hat, not the ones that are only around when things are going well. If you don’t have these kinds of people in your life then you’re doing things wrong.

Life is not about who you’re with or who you know its about being yourself  and  who will be there in the end when all the rest doesn’t matter

 

 

Late night thinking…

A thought dawned on me tonight…

Life, love, work and everything in general, we as humans have come to believe that everything should be easy, that, it should be as idealised as in fairy tales.

I have news for you sunshine, it’s not, none. Life is tough and everyone has their own demons that they have to deal with, the facets of themselves they like to hide because otherwise they won’t be accepted or loved. The darkness that flaunts their flaws and makes them different, we all have it inside us.

What i find amusing is that people want love and they want trust and they want loyalty but how do all these things manifest if you only know half of a person and on top of that only the good part? Look cheating, lying, abuse etc are things that need to be changed or avoided at all costs but insecurities and flaws are as beautiful as the good side of a person. Goodness is easy to fall for but to truly love you need to know the darkness in someone.

“Rather the Devil you know than the Angel you don’t”

“Life lessons”

Life is too short but at the same time insufferable long…

Time has a way of showing you what matters and I have come to realise that I matter, no more “putting up” with things, no more just “accepting” things. I deserve better, I deserve that message in the morning, I deserve to be loved completely, I deserve honesty, I deserve respect, I deserve answers, I deserve to be happy and most of all I deserve to have a choice in all those matters.

I also know now that what i don’t deserve is just as important as what I do. What I’m still learning to do is let go of the people who aren’t good for me, and trying to hold onto the ones that are; but to me it seems strange that it rips your heart out to lose the people who shouldn’t be in your life, it cuts you right to the core while the people who should be around slowly slip into the misty abyss of your self-destructive ways.

You are important, you just need to learn who else should be.

“To: Who I thought we could be”

I like who I am, I know who I am, and I know one day i’ll find someone as passionate, intense and crazy as I am – and yes we may punch a few fridges and doors and fall off the tracks every now and again but we’ll be there to pick each other up afterwards and i know it will never be half-hearted in any way at all. We will be best friends who stay up late just because the hours seem to pass by, we’ll teach each other things about life that we never knew possible and we’ll be there for each other for the things that really matter, the things you feel you can’t tell anyone else and even the things that don’t matter at all, to stand beside and lift each other up when it feels like there’s nobody in the world that cares and the dark hole of despair that you’ve sunk into seems inescapable. To try things that you wouldn’t have the courage to do on your own, because with them, for the first time in your life, you trust and you feel safe. To sit in absolute silence in each others company and still be able to express so much even through an act so small. To let them see the deepest, darkest crevices of your soul, your anger, fear and doubts about life, love, yourself and everything in-between because you know it’s not all about sunshine and roses it’s about the raw intensity of both the good and bad and it not being about you and me but about us – and the best part about it all? is knowing that through all of it there will still be someone standing besides you with an understanding smile and that same crazy intense passion.

Love and life should be a twister of emotions and feelings, feeling everything down to your core, the pain, the elation. Maybe, to some, being average and trudging through this numbed world is enough to get by… but for me it’s not, I want to feel the deepest pain, anger, fear and doubts so that i can enjoy the highest ecstasy of happiness, love and life – and i want to find someone who dares to do this with me.

And until then I like who I am and I’m learning to love who I am too, and no one is going to take that away from me, not even you, not ever.

Letting go…

These two simple words paired together create one of the most difficult tasks in life, and even more so when referring to love…

Loving someone is not for a season, it is always there, whether they hurt you or you hurt them that connection always seems to be there and often we don’t stop to think about how we affect each other and that loving someone can have such a negative impact on your life…

In such a time I think distance is good, i think not seeing or talking to each other and taking time to think about if what you are doing is the best thing for you (and I don’t mean a day or two, at least a week). Love is a very selfless thing so you tend to lose track of yourself and whats good for your own soul because your significant other seems more important than anyone or anything else.

Let it go, breathe, clear your mind and think, really think about if this person loves you the way you love them and if not, and I know how difficult this is, just let them go. Either they will make the changes they need to if they care and love you enough, which has its happy ending. Or they won’t even notice you’re gone – and the silver lining there is that you’ve dodged a bullet that would have come and been worse at a later stage and made way for something better for you.

In love, let go…

Love yourself…

This is not a post on how to love yourself, it’s not a step by step process on how to get it right.. It’s about a person who can’t understand what loving yourself means, it’s about a person who cries hearing those words because they have no idea what “love yourself so you can be loved” means because they do love everybody, everybody but themselves…

I love a lot and i love hard, it’s probably at an intensity that most people can’t understand, most of my emotions are, so how can i not love myself? I just can’t seem to grasp the concept of loving yourself – who better than me to see my every flaw, physically, emotionally and mentally?

The step by step guides on this subject make me cringe with the deep philosophical quotes inserted every now again so that people can try make sense of them – we have to remember that however long ago Buddha and the likes lived is very different to the world we have to live in now… There were no super models and no photoshop, no Facebook or twitter, no filters or selfies – back then the world was “real” and such advice was a lot easier to follow than what it is now, because in this day and age nothing seems to be real anymore, not even people.

In a world with millions of people and hundreds of platforms telling us how we should be, how can we ever be happy with who we are let alone love ourselves?

 

“Finding yourself”

Recently i have realised something, there are a lot of people around on the quest of finding themselves, it is made out to be a gallant act of self improvement and enlightenment. So, being me, i stopped, and thought, as well as questioned and have come to the conclusion that most valiant knights on this never ending odyssey, when asked “what does finding yourself actually mean?”have as much of an idea of who they are as what the answer to the question is…

Now, I’m an average person, i will confess i do believe in the “weird spirituality stuff”, “reincarnation” “journeys” etcetera and some may agree and some may not agree with my views – whether you do, or don’t, i think everything should be challenged and if not challenged then at least thought about before snubbed. I would put narrow-minded in a very close proximity to stupidity as one of the worlds worst problems.

So, heres how i see it – finding who you are is a life long process, you can’t know yourself, you change because things change, people change, circumstances change, you are who you are in that exact moment in time and that is all it ever will be – is that moment, until the next one comes along. It is these moments that define us and keep defining us until the day we die – there is no knowing yourself, theres understanding yourself, knowing is absolute and in life there is just no such thing.

Understanding who you are is understanding how you react, understanding your emotions, understanding that only you make you feel the way you do. You are in control of who you are, and once you realise this you will have found what you are looking for.